Ellis, Lee intervene to stop pig sale

There's a cardboard sign in front of the Macon Animal Shelter on Eleventh Street: "Pigs for Sale." Three sows and six piglets are being held for jaywalking last month. The pigs were captured three weeks ago near Log Cabin Drive in west Macon and promptly jailed. Callers complained they were getting into traffic. Authorities still don't know where they came from but decided to take bids from interested buyers.

"I don't care where they came from, I just want to get them out of my pound," animal control director Billy Brooks said.

"That wouldn't make the best use of city property," said city councilman Jim Lee. "I think we should consider whether they would make good mascots for Macon. We might want to train them to be drug-sniffers or guard-pigs for crowd control during the Cherry Blossom festival and Georgia State Fair," Lee said.

"I think we should have a city employee barbeque," said Mayor Jack Ellis. "We could cook the older ones now and the little ones later when they grow a bit. If Mr. Brooks doesn't have room to keep them at the pound, we could house them in Council Chambers for a while. I love a win-win situation," Ellis said.

The American Swine Liberties Union has threatened to file suit to free the pigs. "The proposed actions would clearly be cruel and unusual punishment for the crime of jaywalking," said Beavis Butts, an ASLU spokesman.

WASHINGTON — The Justice Department is investigating whether eBay Inc., the world's largest online auction site, violated federal antitrust laws in its actions toward smaller Internet rivals.

The probe, is focused on eBay's attempts — including a federal lawsuit against one competitor and threats to sue another — to prevent smaller Web companies from listing on their own sites items being auctioned by eBay's customers.

One of eBay's top lawyers, Jay McNickel, said in a statement Friday that company officials ``have had some discussions with staff at the Justice Department regarding eBay and the online trading business generally.

``We welcomed that opportunity to talk about our business but we think they're mostly peeved because Janet Reno lost out on her bid to buy some hunting rifles and survival gear,'' McNickel said. "In addition, we hear that a high-ranking deputy at Justice is placing shorts on eBay stock---that is, betting that the stock price will fall."

"I cannot comment one way or the other on Ms. Reno's bidding on this site nor on any stock market transactions made by Justice employees," said Jim Yubetcha, the official handling the case at Justice. "We just like to hassle any entrepreneur that successfully makes money, especially when they make revenues we can't easily tax and monitor."

ATLANTA - Despite a personal invitation from Gov. Roy Barnes, Georgia's teacher of the year won't be in the audience for him to introduce when he delivers the State of the State address nor will several other notable personalities.

Amy Denty - a middle school teacher in Jesup - refused to say why she declined the invitation, but the Barnes administration said it was because she'd have to sit next to Republican State School Superintendent Linda Schrenko. Schrenko said the teacher balked in part because she doesn't like accountability, and because she dislikes being anyone's political pawn but mainly because "she hates boring speeches."

Barnes' speech to a joint session of the General Assembly will include a heavy emphasis on his massive education reform bill and even heavier emphasis on his massive spending plans.

Among the other notable personalities who won't attend are Willie B., of Atlanta, and parody writer Steve Scroggins of Macon. Willie B. has not returned phone calls requesting comment but spokesmen say he's not attending because he opposes Gov. Barnes' plan to gather information on all students in a massive state database that may be abused and because capitol security has rules barring smelly primates who are not elected representatives or senators. Steve Scroggins, asked why he won't attend, said it wasn't a political statement at all. "Among other things, it's because I don't like Gov. Barnes' hair style. But mostly it's because I wasn't invited," Scroggins said.

In accordance with long-standing tradition, the Lester vigil took place on GroundHog's Day here in Bibb County. The legendary possum prognosticator, Lizella Lester, once again pulled his head from the sand near his owner's doublewide modular home in east Lizella to check for his shadow. Wednesday was a sunny morning in Bibb County and Lizella Lester saw his shadow immediately.

As the popular legend goes, when Lizella Lester sees his shadow, that portends six more decades of fractured, ineffective government in Bibb County with no hope of unification. Lizella Lester was not noticeably concerned about the upcoming 2000 census and all the various arguments for or against unification. But, experts agreed, it's sometimes hard to tell for sure with possums. The festivities ended when Lizella Lester once again stuck his head in the sand to hide from the light. Only time will tell whether Lizella Lester's prediction on unification will be accurate.

While in Washington, D.C., last week for the United States Conference of Mayors, Jack Ellis learned about federal grant programs, hobnobbed with some of the nation's more famous mayors and even bribed a few bureaucrats.

"It's a good place to exchange ideas, gather information and learn how to do this job," said Ellis, who in December started his first term as Macon's mayor. "Other mayors all agree that there are fundamentally the same challenges with every government----how do you grab more of people's money and have them like it?"

Ellis said the 68th annual conference showed a distinct federal focus on local looting of the national treasury---best known by the popular euphemism, "revitalizing the nation's cities."

"We liked the idea of letting the US Congress loot the taxpayers and pass the cash to us," Ellis said. Attendees emphasized the most important issues facing cities today: re-election, raising tax and grant revenues and shifting blame. After those issues came crime, housing, transportation and education. "No matter what size city you're from, the issues are the same," Ellis said. "How do we get more money to grow the government? How do we raise taxes AND get re-elected?

In just one week, Ellis said he was able to make significant contacts that will undoubtedly benefit Macon, including having a conversation with the deputy commissioner of the Environmental Protection Agency. "I told him that we're Democrats down here----so get off our backs about the ozone thing and go after some Republican mayor,'" Ellis said. "Then I slipped him some free Cherry Blossom passes. I think our EPA problems are history," Ellis said.

The Trees for Macon Committee worked during its meeting Tuesday to finalize plans for three tree-planting events. Arbor Day, which is Feb. 18, will be celebrated at the Bibb County Courthouse with a tree honoring County Commission chairman Larry Justice. Justice said Tuesday he was "very flattered" at having a tree planted in his name. "I've always participated in Arbor Day and I look forward to placing a smoking booth somewhere high in the tree's limbs," Justice said.

"Justice was chosen as this year's honoree because the media just won't cover the event if we don't name it for someone," said Lumpy Wheelbarrow, a spokesman for the Tree Committee.

"The pecan tree was chosen because of the obvious nuts connection, but also because it will rain down a shower of black syrupy sap on the nearby cars and will give the squirrels in the area something to do," Wheelbarrow said.

"We chose a pyracantha to honor [former mayor] Jim Marshall because it's thorny and will serve to keep loiterers out of the nearby flower bed. When people brush against the thorns they'll have an immediate swelling and itching reaction. That seems appropriate to us," Wheelbarrow said.

"And finally, we'll plant a California Redwood to honor unification. We figure it'll be full-grown in about 400 years when unification might actually take place."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins

These parodies are frequently featured on the NewsTalk940 WMAC morning show with Kenny & Charles.